No Vacations

One of my friends and I were talking recently about how long it has been since either of us has truly been on vacation. Something about being perpetually nearly broke students gets in the way. So I've been thinking about vacations. About how much fun it would be to escape from the day to day aspects of life (laundry, homework, making meals, cleaning) for awhile. To go somewhere--perhaps the stereotypical beach getaway with little umbrella topped drinks, and play and sleep and laze about for a few (relatively) guilt free days.
Tonight I was thinking about how different these health issues are for me than for my family. For my family this is a rude and startling interruption of all of our lives. For them this has a beginning (a series of phone calls last week) and will have an end (successful surgery). I know that is a more stark view than they would voice, because I have seen their stress over my MRI scans and blood work. I know that this is not clear cut for any of us. They, however, achieve respite, vacations if you will. They have stress, but it is based on more isolated incidents.
For me, there is never any vacation. I live with the medications, treatments, and vigilance over any signs of reoccurrence daily. I live in the pattern of doctor's visits and tests. And I don't get vacations. It has been years now of being soaked in this way of life, this world. It has been long enough that it no longer always weighs heavily on me, but I am never unaware of all of the possibilities. And despite all of that, this still caught me completely off guard. There was no warning, nothing I could have done to prevent this.
No vacations. No respite.

Explaining the last post

As a few of you know, and long-term readers of my other blog may have suspected, I've had a fairly eventful life, healthwise. And apparently, it is not over.

Last week I learned that my previous health issues have reoccured. Which means that I get to do have this procedure again in about two weeks.

This is both serious and, as far as serious issues go, rather ordinary. It is deeply upsetting for me and my family and throws my entire life up into the air.

Which is part of the reason I have started posting here. I have come to the conclusion that I want to reserve my other blog for poetry, but I also need a forum to sort through some of my issues and rants, and I wanted to share this news with you all. This world has become important to me and this is the kind of news that needs to be shared.

There are a hundred things I want to say and the words for any of them escape me. I will have more to say here than I do now.

This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.

Bad news

I've noticed something, there is no good way to deliver bad news. There's no way to gently lead into it. There's no way to share bad news, the really bad life shattering kind, without hurting everyone. Each person leaves these conversations in pain. Pain because their life has been shattered. Pain because the life of someone close to them has been shattered. Nothing lessens the blow. The world always seems a little skewed at the end of these conversations. A little starker. The grays become more pronounced; the shadows more menacing.
I hate this. I hate what it does to me, to the people around me. I hate how much it hurts.
And I know that this too is life. The good and the joyful inextricably mixed with the sad and the tragic. It happens all around us. It happens to us.
Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.

Holidays and Family

Over the last 6 and a half years I've slowly begun that process of not necessarily being at home for holidays. It was the 4th of July, and then Easter, an odd New Year's away, then Thanksgiving, and this year it will be Christmas. This isn't because I don't love my family--I do. I even enjoy spending time with them and genuinely like their company. Admittedly there's a two to three week limit on this, but I think that's pretty good.
No, I've missed holidays at home because of realities in my life--realities of money and time. Practical realities. And this is something that is only going to happen more often. My life, the one I chose, includes a fairly demanding schedule and certain inflexible areas which often fall around holidays.
And I'm okay with that. Partly because I knew this when I made my choice. But also because my family is not one of those families which has a dozen Christmas traditions. I wish that was different. Which is also why this is strange. I know I would make the same choice and I would still not be going home for Christmas this year. And I know that this would make being away from home more difficult. But it would also give me something of Christmastime at Home to create here. It would help me feel connected to my family, even over hundreds of miles and really practical realities.
And all of that makes me a little sad. Because I will miss my family. Because of the story of why we don't have many Christmas traditions. Because I don't know where we will all be next year or what we will be doing.
I don't see an easy solution to this. For a lot of practical reasons neither my family nor I are ever likely to find it easy to travel for Holidays.
Which is, well, not fine, but part of life and something we'll work through.
Right now, though, I wonder what traditions I want to start building for my own life and if and how or when I could invite my family into those traditions.